Ask Auntie Misty
by Insanemistosingsmore
Summary: An advice column, where Misto will answer all your questions. What could be better? Credit for the idea goes to Robyn-Enjolras.
1. In which the advice flows

**This is an idea I've been playing with while inspiration for my other fics have deserted me. This is an advice column type fic, inspired by Robyn-Enjolras's ****Ask Auntie Enjolras.**** If you even remotely know Les Miserables, this is a brilliant fic to read. I hope you enjoy….the first question is from an anonymous questioner….aka, my alter-ego.**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. KK, peeps?

Misto poofed into his human's computer room, turning on the computer. He quickly opened up his email account, and sighed as he saw he did indeed have mail from a fan girl. _Why is it always fan girls?_ He thought in annoyance.

Dear Mr. Mistoffelees;

First of all, might I just say I am a huge fan? Second of all, I've been met with several requests to start an advice column for the CATS lovers I know. I thought that you, with your magical abilities, would have the best chance of answering viewers' questions.

Love,

Insanemistosingsmore.

He sighed again…this wasn't the first time this 'Insanemistosingsmore' had asked me the same thing. I had no choice but to give in, if she was getting so many requests. Besides, who's to say it wouldn't actually work?

Dear Insanemistosingsmore;

Fine, I'll do it. And no, you may not say that you are a huge fan. I find it hard to believe that you are a large machine made for blowing cold air. Those things do not admire, obsess over, or just plain lust after a cat. Just send me the questions, and then leave me alone!

With a burning hatred,

Mister Mistoffelees.

It wasn't long after this until the first question came into his email. He furrowed his brow….it was actually a really good question.

Dear Auntie Misty;

What's the difference between a Peke and a Pollicle? I mean, aren't both dogs?

Hateful but curious,

Anita Bavares, imaginary person.

Hmmm….good question. I thought for a moment, and then began typing…

Dear Anita;

First of all, thank you for not being obsessed with me…it's rather tiring, you know. Now to answer your question, Peke is actually short for Pekinese, but it's used to refer to most small, yappy dogs. Pollicles are the larger dogs, like a German shepherd or a Boxer. Poms are the poofier types of dogs, most notably the Pomeranian, but it could be something like a miniature poodle. Pugs….well, that's just obvious. If you need me to explain, you are an idiot. You know….this reminds me of the time when Tugger, Alonzo, and I were stuck in an alley, cornered by some Pekes and Pollicles….

Your admirer for not obsessing over me,

Mister Mistoffelees.

Sometimes weird stuff happens. Tugger had offered to bring me and Alonzo hunting….which was kind of weird, but I didn't question it at the time. I had followed a huge rat into an alley, not realizing it was a dead end. Seeing as the other two hadn't found any rodents, they followed me in. I started, letting out a hiss as I heard a deep, throaty growl behind us. It was a Pollicle, a Peke, two Poms, and at least three Pugs, but I couldn't be sure. Tugger squealed like….like…..like Etcy during Tugger's song…and hid behind me. Alonzo dead out fainted.

"Which one you wanna eat first, boss?" the Peke asked.

"I like the patched one. Get it for me, Snookums."

I started laughing. "Your name is Snookums? I can't believe it!" I couldn't help but laugh. "You're nothing but a clean-shaven Pom!"

"I take offense to that!" One of the Poms called out. The other just stood there, puzzled on how it was supposed to be an insult.  
"What's your name, big fella? Spot?"

The Pollicle blushed and whined. "It's Princess…"

"I'll tell ya what…You leave us be, and I'll just shut my mouth about those _embarrassing_ names. You even try to attack us…..and I think you'd be the laughing stock of London for weeks, _Princess."_

Princess whined, his tail between his legs. "Fine. Let's get out of here, boys…"

And that's how I singlehandedly took down both a Peke and a Pollicle….plus the Pugs and the Poms. I'd like to see the Rumpus Cat do _that!_


	2. Nothing at all to be done about that?

**Hey all….apparently I wasn't quite as specific as I thought last chapter. All questions come from you, the reviewers. Feel free…..no, please do ask your questions. Without them, this fic would wither and die! Of course, that is also a shameless plea for reviews.**

**Disclaimer: um, I don't think T. would fan girl over his own creation.**

Another day and Misto was checking his email again, ever listening for his owners….

DEAR MISTAH MISTOFFELEES!

We all know that Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer were a notorious couple of cats... and there's nothing at all to be done about that...

BUT WHAT IF THERE WAS SOMETHING TO BE DONE ABOUT THAT?

Think about it, Misto. Just think about it.

Do it.

Yeah.

Merci, mon petit bureau de change!

Robyn-Enjolras

He batted his ear with his paw while he thought of a response….

Dear Robyn-Enjolras

Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer are just full of themselves. There is something to be done about that, trust me. And really, they aren't all that notorious once you leave London (TAKE THAT, MUNGOJERRIE!) Sorry, that was kitten-ish…..Anyway, Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer really are bumbling idiots that are determined to ruin my good time…Like this one time when they died my fur pink. Yes. Pink.

Hope I answered your question, Madame.

Mr. Mistoffelees.

I was hanging out in the Junkyard, trying not to laugh at Tugger's attempts to woo Bombalurina. Tugger turned to me…I was supposed to set the mood, but I felt like laughing at him, so I hadn't. "What's the matter, Tug? Rat got your tongue?"

Tugger glared, the look practically saying 'YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HELPING ME, NOT MAKING FUN OF ME!'

I burst out laughing right there and then. The look on Tugger's face had been priceless! On the other hand…this is the kind of thing you might want to beware of retribution with.

A couple of days later, I decided that the cost was clear…well, clear enough from fangirls and the occasional Etcy-glomp. So I ventured out to my favorite spot in the Junkyard…the hat I pulled seven kittens out of, according to Tugger. But that's another story. Anyway, once I got there, I cocked my head, confused…normally the hat was smaller. Now it was at least as tall as Munkustrap, maybe taller! I clambered up anyway, ignoring the instinct not to trust the suddenly tall hat. Unfortunately, my…um…less than normal…weight unbalanced the hat, and when it tipped, a can of pink paint was thrown on my head. The paint can read…_Oi 'ope ya loike Pink, Mistah Mistoffeloser! ~Mungojerrie an' Rumpleteaser~_


	3. Neverland and a Shadow

**Ok, I'm trying to update as soon as possible…but as a bit of a disclaimer…QUESTIONS ARE ANSWERED, UNLESS OTHERWISE MENTIONED IN A REVIEW REPLY, ON A FIRST-COME, FIRST-SERVE BASIS. Thank you for understanding! I'm beginning to realize just how big of a project this is….how does Robyn do it? Anyway, please enjoy the next chapter. And Hazel, I'm sorry for how mean Misto is to you. You caught him on a bad day.**

**Disclaimer: if I owned Mister Mistoffelees….Fantasia the Crazy would be furious with me. Seeing as she is not, last I checked, I'm going to venture the guess that I do not own Misty. The idea of an advice column of humor, as I've mentioned before, belongs to the great and glorious Robyn-Enjolras. Look her up! I don't own Peter Pan, Neverland, or pixie dust. I do like to think I have a decent amount of hope and trust, though.**

Once again, Misto opened his email. _Ugh, Hazlelthorn. She likes to torture me…oh well. I did promise I'd answer all questions._

**Dear Sparkle-butt,**

Like the nickname? Anyways, can you explain to me why I can never find the Jellicle Junkyard...I WANNA MEET MUNGOJERRIE! And Tugger...and Alonzo...and you, because you do magic. SPARKLE!

Love,

Hazelthorn Jellicle

PS- I'm not reallt a jellicle...I just wish I was...

Misto sighed. There was no way he would tell this Jellicle wanna-be where the Junkyard was.

**Dear Thorny-butt,**

**I only like my nickname if you like yours. So there. You cannot find the Jellicle Junkyard for the same reason adults cannot find Neverland. You do not have the proper amounts of faith, trust, and…well, in the case of the Junkyard…Conjurer's glitter. Not to be confused with pixie dust! I assure you, Mungojerrie, Tugger, and Alonzo do not want to meet you. They are all allergic to humans. And no, I will not give up my glitter so you can find our Junkyard. If you would still like to know….it's in central London. Not that you'll ever find it. This reminds me of the time we Jellicles met Peter Pan….**

** Signed**

**The Magical Mister Mistoffelees**

**PS- if you were 'reallt' a Jellicle, you wouldn't be asking your question. Now can you please stop lying in your signature? I don't tell people that I'm the Mundane Mr. Misto in my signature!**

Looking back, one of my biggest adventures started on a boring day. Yeah. Boring. Anyway, nothing happened during the day…and I mean nothing. Tugger didn't even get any action! It all started that night.

I was looking up at the sky, wondering when day would break. It was the new moon, so we couldn't even dance under the light of the moon, Jellicle or not. I saw a shadow flit over my den, and perked up, curious. "Who's there?" I called out…but no answer. I went back to staring at the stars…the second one to the right in particular. It was twinkling much more brightly than most tonight. It reminded me of a movie my human girls like to watch and a song in it…it goes something like this:

_The second star to the right shines in the night for you._

_ To tell you that the dreams you plan really can come true._

_ The second star to the right shines with a light that's rare._

_ And if it's Neverland you need, its light will lead you there._

_ Twinkle Twinkle little star, so I'll know where you are._

_ Gleaming in the skies above! Lead me to the one who loves me…_

_ And when you bring him my way, each time we say 'goodnight'_

_ We'll thank the little star that shines, the second from the right._

Anyway, a few minutes later, I heard the sounds of a tussle…I looked in, trying to stay hidden, and saw what looked like a human kid wrestling with his shadow. I hissed, trying to think how the heck he'd gotten in the Junkyard, never mind my den. "What are you doing here, kid?"

The kid jumped, startled. Unfortunately for him, the momentary distraction was enough for his shadow to pin him. "A little help here?"

As much as I didn't want the kid in my den, I decided to help him. After all, he obviously wasn't leaving without his shadow. I pounced, trying to fix my teeth on the shadow. To my surprise…the shadow bit me! "That's it…" I muttered. I started sparking and glittering. While the kid burst out laughing, the shadow quickly realized that it meant I was about to use magic. I shot a bolt of lightning out of my paws, but the shadow dodged, and the bolt hit my mirror, rebounding towards me. I was too shocked to move, and consequentially was shocked. Pun fully intended. I was knocked out…and when I woke up the next morning, my den was a disaster area…


	4. Glomps and a Q&A

**IT'S MEGA UPDATE DAY! I FELT LIKE WRITING ANOTHER CHAPPIE! I don't own Goosebumps slogan 'readers beware, you're in for a scare' which I paraphrase in the first sentence. Fantasia, if you're reading this, you get a cameo!**

Misto liked this question…but the senders beware, they're in for a scare. Or…um…rant.

**Why do you hate fan girls? I've got a few fan lads and a few girls who follow me around most of the day, like Tugger.**

DStM

Sigh. This is gunna be a long response.

**Dear DStM;**

**I have a few very good reasons for hating fan girls. But the first and foremost is the sheer weight of numbers when it comes to the ones obsessed with me. They never rest. I can rarely get to the Junkyard unless by magic, for fear of exposing it. They follow me _everywhere_. Sometimes, even to the litter box. I can't go anywhere in public, or I'll be glomped. I can't make a single mistake without some obsessive fanfic-writer writing about it. Several of them _make up_ mistakes…such as the ever-popular 'Misto accidentally switched everyone's gender' fic. I would never do that….if anyone, it'd be Tantomile! And Tanti? Sorry for picking on you like that….I is in full rant mode. Let's see…why else do I hate fan girls…many of them are determined to pair me up with their shameless, self-insert OC's…when everyone knows that I'm in love with Jemima. In short, I hate fangirls because THEY HAVE NO LIFE! **

**Respectfully,**

**Mr. Mistoffelees.**

It was a somewhat normal day…Tugger was flirting, Alonzo was drooling over Cass, and Munku was being a pain, as usual. I was napping. All of a sudden, I get pulled through a hole by the tail! I screeched and writhed, trying to get away from the offending human hand, but it won't let go. I turn around to see…a fan girl wearing a nametag. It read 'Fantasia-the-Crazy.' I gave her a look, but she wouldn't let go.

"May I have your attention; may I have your attention please?" She cried out. There was a sudden light, which we both squinted against to suddenly see a huge horde of people. "Quaxo Mistoffelees will now answer your questions and receive your glomps."

The end.


	5. Mystics and a Pollicle

_**Please don't kill me for not updating in what feels like forever. I honestly have been suffering massive amounts of writer's block. And for once, starting something new hasn't worked….don't believe me, ask the Sythar half of the TWSythar tag team. Not that you CATS lovers know what I'm talking about…**_

_**Disclaimer: You know it all….**_

Yet again, Misto was checking his email, ever-ready to poof out just in case one of his humans popped in…for once, there were two questions.

**I have a question for Auntie Misty, if I can submit one. *puppy dog eyes... wait, no, JEMIMA EYES! Way cuter.***

Why does everyone think that Cori and Tanto are creepy?

**Raptoregg64**

**Dear ,**

I was wondering why Tantomile and Coricopat act so mysterious and anti-social? Are they really Mystics? Or is it just an act?

-Ollie

Well…I can see now why IMSM, my manager, grouped these two together. Honestly…both about Cori and Tanti.

**Dear Ladies:**

**Since your questions are nearly identical, I'm going to answer them in one email. Coricopat and Tantomile…so much to tell. First of all, the myth that they are my mentors are totally false. I'm actually **_**older**_** than them, and much more talented in my field of magic than they are in theirs. Now for the specific questions…everyone thinks their creepy because on top of the whole twin fur patterns, they actually **_**think**_**…and usually speak…as one unit. Also, there's the fact that there's really not a lot known about their field of magic…the magiks of the mind are rather mysterious to those who don't have said magiks. Anyway, they act so mysterious and anti-social because they just plain don't like other cats. Or any humans. They don't mind me, though. Or Jemima. Yes, they really are Mystics…in a sense. They are the only known cats to have Telepathy. Or Telekinesis. So there you have it…the entire story of what and why Cori and Tanti are what they are. **

**With a vague feeling of trepidation,**

**Mr. Mistoffelees.**

It was a year ago to the day…I was napping in my den, and nothing was happening. Not quite as quiet as the day Fantasia kidnapped me, but quiet enough to allow for a quality nap. All of a sudden, I hear something…but not the normal way. Of course I'd heard of the presence of two young 'mystics,' but so has every hedge wizard and carnival magician…I counted myself above the rumors, and so had disbelieved them.

_We've come far to reach the mind of the famous Mr. Mistoffelees…oh, and if you actually want to answer us, unlike every other magical cat we've managed to reach, all you have to do is think your answer. _

_Um…who are you cats?_

_Coricopat and Tantomile…we're kind of lost, and we were hoping you'd give us a place to stay? We mean…a magician of your renown must hold __**some**__ prestige in the tribe. Could you at least put a good word in for us with the Tribe Leader._

_Old D's not around right now, but I'll talk to Munkustrap for you…_and I did. I'm a cat of my word. Unfortunately, certain things kept me from going straight to Munkus. How was it possible that the two young mystics…barely older than kits...had found him? They wouldn't do well on the street…not with Pollicles like Princess out and about. All of a sudden, I hear a Pollicle sized yelp, and I go to investigate. What I find next I will never forget…Princess himself was floating several feet above the ground, whimpering his surrender.


	6. Relatives and Relationships

**Please don't kill me for the long delay. In short, writer's block sucks.**

**I don't own.**

Misto twitched his tail in annoyance. He'd just gotten back from what his owners termed a 'vacation…' which, for a cat, consists of unnecessary socializing and the inability to reach the Junkyard, or his email. As a result, he had a huge build-up of emails from fan girls. He sighed, starting on the first one.

**Dear Sparkles,**

**Is Macavity your dad? And who's your mate? Is all that glitter real?**

**Lots of (glittery) Love,**

**Ryin and Ellen**

It was only a matter of time until it got into his personal life, but seriously? These questions were getting ridiculous.

**Dear Ryin and Ellen.**

**First of all, thank you for asking together so I don't have to answer you separately. **

**For your first question, no, Macavity is not my father! We look nothing alike! Just because we can both shoot lightning out of our paws does not make us father and son! If you must know, he's a distant cousin by Old Deuteronomy. My aunt was Old D's third wife while Macavity's mother was his first wife. **

**As for my mate…well, I'm still just a kit by way of mating. But Jemima and I are both 'coming of age' at next year's Jellicle Ball. It's by no means an official thing like marriage…it's a bit more like the equivalent of your human 'first time…' if you get my drift. **

**Of course the glitter's real.**

**Please don't love me. Please**

**Misto.**

* * *

I've never been one to brag, but one of the best things about me is my…well, my glitter. It's an outward sign of my magical abilities. But they've cost me a great deal of trouble too. Especially since the seemingly harmless 'glitter' is actually a small, electrically charged group of particles—sparks, if you will.**  
**

This in mind, I'd brought Jemima to this gorgeous lake for our first date. I'd intended a simple picnic on its shore, but she was feeling…playful.

"C'mon, Misty, don't be a baby!" She called from the middle of the lake, swimming idly. She'd never looked more beautiful, despite being soaked.

"I don't think that's such a good idea, Jem, sweetie." All the same, I edged closer to the lake's edge, to be closer to her. She swam back to the shore, acting like she wanted to give me a hug. We started an epic game—basically, keep away! It wasn't long though, before she had me trapped in a kiss.

"See…we can have fun while being wet, Misty…"

"Can you stop calling me that?"

"Only if you don't kill me for THIS!" With that, she shoved me into the lake. Out of instinct, I called upon my magic to arrest my fall. So, my fur started sparking and, well, water conducts electricity. The entire lake was electrified in a matter of seconds!

Why does everything end with me getting zapped with my own magic?**  
**


	7. Seven Kits and a Momma

**Double Whammy**

**Don't own.**

With this kind of back-up with questions, Misto couldn't afford to answer one at a time for a while…

**Misty:**

**Its IMSM: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN! If YOU don't answer questions, I get the rap for it!**

He sighed before shooting off a quick reply

**Hey, Loony!**

**I've been stuck in a cat carrier for the past few months. Forgive me for not magiking the computer to the shelter and risking our entire existence.**

**I'm working on catching up, ok?**

**Misto. With an –o.**

**P.S. I'm a guy. Stop calling me Misty.**

Two of the emails in his inbox had been starred—related topic questions, which could probably be answered with one email.

**Dear Misty,**

**So, how does it make you feel about how when it's said that you "produced" kittens out of a hat, people sometimes mistake you a female cat? Because a lot of people do. And my little brother just mistook you for Misty from "Pokemon!".**

**Just wondering. (And you don't need to mistake me for a fangirl of yours. I have healthier things to obsess over, such as fictional murderers, thieves, and psychos.) **

**A Very Crazy Owl**

**Dear Auntie Misty**

**Did you ACTUALLY pull seven kittens out of a hat? Considering the source, I'm not sure, so I wanted to hear it from the original conjuring cat himself.**

**Quill.**

**Dear Quill and a Very Crazy Owl,**

**Owl: I think I might be the healthier thing out of your list to obsess over, but each to his or her own. Perhaps its best if you never, ever meet those murderers, thieves, or psychos.**

**To both of your questions: Yes, I did pull seven kittens from a hat (it's a long story) and it annoys the Fell out of me when someone thinks I'm a queen for it! I'M NOT A HUMAN GIRL FROM POKEMON!**

**With slight frustration**

**Misto With an o not a y.**

**P.S. please stop calling me Misty. It's annoying.**

* * *

"Electra?" No answer.

"Jemima?" Nothing.

"Etcy?" Not the slightest shriek that normally accompanied the older toms acknowledging her existance…that's what really got Munkus worried. I nibbled at my lip as I watched the Protector search fruitlessly for the seven youngest kits. Electra, Etcetera, Jemima, Tumblebrutus, Pouncival, Victoria, and my little brother, Quaxo, were missing.

"Where could they be?"

"Don't ask me, Munkus, I don't know! But—"I shut my mouth quickly…I didn't want to get anyone's hopes up over something that might not pan out. I was just a kit myself, still. I didn't know if my powers would be able to sustain a mass transportation.

"But what, Misto?"

I sighed. "But Quaxo is my brother. If they're together, I should be able to get a fix on their location and teleport them all back here. Thing is, I don't know if I'm powerful enough to get all seven of them here in one piece…and even if I was, if Quaxo wandered off on his own, it'll be useless."

"Try it anyway…Jelly's getting scary."

Right… the mothers. "I'll need a hat, and a quiet place to concentrate."

"A hat?"

"Don't question it, just do it!"

"Fine. I hope you know what you're doing."

"I do."

I won't bore you with the details of the spell…but when I did it, something strange happened. Seven kittens were produced—but not our kittens. Random newborns, all of them runts, liable to have been abandoned. And they all immediately latched on me as their 'momma.'

Our seven came back ten minutes later with an extremely clever Mother's Day card.

Tugger never let me live it down.


End file.
